[ONI] Captain Alexander "Shiny" Devron

[Erex]

Ill have to fix em in morning when at a laptop.

[Naked Crook]

OK...large wall of text. Content is much better, but the delivery needs work. Break up that wall of text, and sort the content out. It is tough to read. There is no break, and there is no carriage returns where I can easily glance over information. You need paragraphs in there to make it easier to read. But like I said, from what I can tell, the content is good...just PLEASE break up that wall of text into easier to read paragraphs and have all the information sorted out, so military information all sits in one paragraph, while personal information has its own paragraph.

[Erex]

Roger that will fix it.

[Naked Crook]

Ok, this is much better, both in terms of content and delivery. You have a solid foundation for this character right now. However, as I tend to be annoyingly picky about things, I will SUGGEST that you correct the various typos. There are a few, so just re-read it a few times and try and spot as many as you can. Also...just a slight recommendation for future RP potential: Change the part about him never personally meeting Vernette, to something more open ended, such as "he has met several flag officers, in person, on multiple occasions." Try not to directly mention Vernette, or any other officer for this matter. Stuff like that is alright to leave a bit open, as it leaves you with room to maneuver when it comes to RP with this character, in either a modern, or back story setting. However, this is just a suggestion, but one that is defiantly worth considering.

[Erex]

Roger that boss.

[Erex]

Think I got the grammatical mistakes I put it through spellcheck in Microsoft word.

[Kairu]

I agree that it is a HUGE improvement. However, I am being nitpicky. I noticed multiple grammar errors. However, a couple things stand out. If he follows protocol, why does anyone call him by a nickname? Doesn't protocol dictate that everyone adress him formally? This one aimed at the staff: Isn't mentioning the baseball teams against RP rules uneer the "No Modern product/label" clause?

[Naked Crook]

Originally Posted by Kairu This one aimed at the staff: Isn't mentioning the baseball teams against RP rules uneer the "No Modern product/label" clause? Well...that is a grey area. This question makes me put great thought into this rule. Upon reflection, I believe product placement is what we are against, and, I could see vintage baseball cards being something that could exist. I guess you could say we don't directly allow specific product placement, like mentioning a 20th or 21st century TV show, or video game...but historical "real life" items should be fine. A baseball card is as much part of history as The Mona Lisa would be. They are both historic artifacts from the past that actually do exist, that have no impact on The Halo Universe. Unlike video games and game consoles (which become obsolete and eventually vanish from the market), artifacts continue to endure. Besides, there will always be collectors but who would know what a playstation is? It is a grey area. I am going to have to really rethink this rule and I will get back to you. For now, it should be fine. Though, kudos to Kairu for his ridged enforcement of the rules.

[Erex]

Ya good job on rules.

[Erex]

Well i was thinking if he is called by Shiny it can be a sign of endurement, much like in Battlestar Galactica reimagined They still call Admiral Adama admiral even though he is now a fleet admiral it is a sign of endurement, and Alex doesn't mind being called shiny, but you better know him or be of higher rank to call him that.