Fable III - Video Game Review (Xbox 360)

[Naked Crook]

Fable III Game Review By Naked Crook The New Order Administrator Fable III is the most disappointing thing since the economic collapse of the United States of America. Honestly...with all the job loss, unemployment, poverty, sadness, children not having a Christmas...Fable III tops all of this with just how terrible it is. The game play is slow, repetitive, boring, lifeless, bland, pointless, directionless, limited, and most noticeably...SLEEP INDUCING! I was falling asleep playing this game! Half the time I was so disinterested with the totally lifeless voice overs yammering in the backround, that I simply did not care about what was going on. People were talking...and I was totally lost! I found more interest in spinning my controller stick around to try and induce a cheap laugh from watching my character spin around in circles. I have no idea what the plot was, where it was going, or what was trying to be accomplished. Now before you say that I did not listen well enough to the dialog, I submit the following: The game begins with really pointless scenes with you in pyjamas, being forced to pick what cloths you wear, engaging in pointless tutorials, and a LOT of running around between a bakery and a sparring room. You thern witness your brother (or half brother) being a total dick to a bunch of helpless people. He then makes you choose between executing your girlfriend and a bunch of helpless protesters. So we have a clear antagonist...this is good, so far, we have direction. But this is the point where the game begins to derail and become nothing more then a... How, you ask? Well...the next hour of game play is spent in the most boring, pointless, slow, and 1-dimensional tutorial in this history of gaming. This is the point where the game becomes broken beyond repair. This is the point where the game's previous direction is altered, and the game takes on a new course of boring, repetitive, and dis-interesting plot devices, plot objectives, and pointless interaction with NPCs. But half of the problem of Fable III is the plot. The other half of the problems exist with the mechanics. Every mechanic in this game is absolutely terrible! From the controls, to the difficulty, to the co-op, to the enemies, to the combat...the mechanics are horribly broken. Let's begin with the co-op. The co-op is absolutely terrible. I was so horribly disappointed, that I felt like killing myself. I spent 100 dollars on this game and you cannot even correct the flaw of the Fable II co-op. Why can't I move more then 15 meters away from my co-op partner! Why does the Camera get stuck in the wall when I move too far away!? Answer me GOD DAMNIT! I deserve answers! Let's talk about the controls. THEY ARE TERRIBLE! The hero is as maneuverable as this fat ass...and I am telling you right now, this chunky fuck cannot web sling. The hero can only turn at wide circular angles. Making sharp turns seems to be beyond the ability of the hero. Ironically, the hero can spin around in rapid stationary circles with 0 lateral movement. Essentially, if maneuverability can be measured on a scale of 1 to 10, the hero is only capable of 1 and 10, but nothing in between. It's either completely stationary instant directional rotation, or wide-berth, slow and sloppy turning which requires a lot of room to complete the turn. Now...the enemies and the combat sucks. Why? Well...the problem stems from the use of magic powers. You have unlimited magic with no cool down. In every enemy engagement I have had, the only button I have needed to press was the B button. I can continually fire magic, without consequence, without need to recharge, without cool down. The worst part is, magic completely immobilizes the enemy, so they cannot move, they cannot attack, and they have no defense against the magic. Essentially, the player is given god-like powers to simpkly murder everything in sight, with no difficulty and no problem. This forces me to ask; if the hero can fire unlimited magic, why doesn't he just instantly kill the antagonist and restore peace to the kingdom? Why did he even leave? Why didn't the hero just kill every asshole in the kingdom and restore peace and justice? You know what that is? That's a plot hole cause by bad game mechanics. I could go on, but I fail to see the point. So I will simply break it down into statistical numbers for you all to see how much I hated this game from a mathematical standpoint. Gameplay: 3/10 Story : 1/10 Mechanics: 3/10 Co-op: 2/10 Controls: 3/10 OVERALL: 12/50