[Naked Crook]

Ok, I read this STB...and I do have a few things to mention: For the record...The Title says NTB...that is wrong. The correct acronym is STB. 1. This STB violated the NHRPG rule of not using Proper Nouns from the video games. Major general Parkin had no business being on The Pillar of Autumn. This alone gives me every right to disqualify the story. 2. There really is no story here. This is just a series of flashbacks in some order. There is no character arc, we do not see any development, there is no growth...we can't see it...it is all just assumed. This is a very empty series of events. I refuse to call this a story... 3. With that said, we are just told to accept things. We are told Seth comes to these conclusions for no reason. There was never any personal evaluation, no soul searching. He just woke up one day and we are told he believes ONI was behind his father's death. This is poor structure. 4. As for the Father...who is Major General Paul Parkin anyway? What makes him so great? Why? What distinguishes his career? We are told he is a war hero...and we are just supposed to accept that. Is he a war hero because he died in a plane crash? I guess that makes a lot of people war heros on the same level of Paul Parkin. For all we know...this guy sat behind a desk his entire career and did extremely good paperwork, and eventually reached the rank of General. Again...we are not told anything, we are just told to accept this stuff. These are major plot devices that have no explanation. 5. I hated the character of General Parkin. I think he is a douche. He makes his son salute? My Dad was a Lt. Colonel in the Military and not once did he ever make friends and family salute him. Anyway...Parkin makes his son salute, causing his son to miss his bus...and all that Parkin can say is "That sounds like a personal problem to me boy. Now you better not be late". General parkin is a dick, and I am glad he is dead. I had no reason to feel sorry for this guy. He is a bastard. 6. The Trust does not torture people to initiate them. Why would they torture and harm people they WANT in their organization? Why would they torture a potential recruit? This does not install loyalty, and it gives The Trust a bad name, Please have a more firm understanding of The Trust before you write about them. I do not approve of The Trust being portrayed in this fashion. Yes, they are bad...but you make them sound so simple in this...conglomeration of words. 7. How is Seth an Elite Sniper by only killing 12 enemies? If anything...he is just a sniper. Seth, and every other sniper can score a headshot from a mile away. Seth does not become elite over night. 8. Why did the drill sergeant give Seth and Alpha platoon 1500 pushups? All Seth said was his name was Seth Parkin. He never asked for special treatment, and this was, again, more assumptions. 9. More about this drill Sergeant...if he was a big enough dick to give everyone 1500 pushups based on assumptions and things that were never said...why would he allow Seth to sit idle for 2 1/2 hours? Wouldn't this asshole drill Sergeant make Seth work if the rest of the platoon is working? 10. Where is Seth's mother? He must have a mother? More missing information, and more reason why this story stinks. If General Parkin dies...his mother would have more custody of the child than a dead father would. Even if Seth was a child born to a hooker that General Parkin fucked...the hooker would have more rights to care for the child than the state would. Plot holes. This series of events was barely competent. It can take a month or more to write a good STB. You wrote this in one afternoon, and it shows. This needs to be totally rewritten. I turned against this series of events when you mentioned The Pillar of Autumn. There needs to be expansion of these characters. The time lapses skip important development time, and this is why this series of events fails to meet minimum standards. I found myself laughing at the total lack of quality. I hate to say it Erex...but this story was not good. This was terrible. However, this does not mean that you should stop writing...it means you have lots of room for improvement. I suggest you talk to me before you do a re-write. There is so much imprecision in your dates and timeline...I don't even know how long or when things are happening. THIS STORY IS NOT CANON TO THE NHRPG